What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 10:26
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
All the time i was locked up.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Are judges being lenient on hard criminals?
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What are the signs of mild autism in a child?
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I will be 64.
My life is so biszare .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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We all went to grammer schools
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
How do you deal with a neighbor stealing?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Comes on , in middle age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I don,t even have a pension.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot live in the past .
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was seconnd youngest,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!